Many people struggle to say “no”, whether saying it to a friend, colleague, client, or even a stranger. Not being able to say “no” can be a detriment to your productivity and, in some cases, the health and well-being of your relationship.

Imagine a friend asks you for a favor that you are uncomfortable saying “yes” to. You feel awkward and uncomfortable; you want to say “no”, but you don’t want to hurt your friend’s feelings or damage the relationship.

After I wrote this article, I wanted a friend of mine to proofread it. I sent her a message asking if she had time and was willing to help me out? My first thought following my request was: What if she feels pressured to say “yes”? The irony of this situation was impeccable. I promptly told her that “no” is an acceptable answer, especially because my article is about harnessing the skills of saying “no” effortlessly.

This common scenario highlights the difficulty many of us feel when negotiating unwanted requests; it’s often hard to say “no”. It is a skill you can learn. I am going to share four tools that will make you confident and in control when you encounter unexpected requests.

Why is saying “No” so complicated?

For some people, saying “no” comes with heavy baggage. If you are like me, you grew up learning to put other people first. What this means is that there’s a cultural expectation to say “yes” to favors or requests, and that saying “yes” is a demonstration of being a good citizen of society. People with this line of thought tend to think that saying “no” will hurt someone’s feelings, you’ll be letting the other person down, or otherwise damage a relationship. They tend to blame themselves for saying “no” to others.

In my experience, here are the most common reasons that make it difficult to say “No”:

Hurting one’s feelings: “No” feels like a rejection of the person more so than the request; it causes us to incessantly justify ourselves, sugar coat and tone down our “no”.

Fear of confrontation: The unpredictable nature of other people’s reactions causes anxiety and fear of awkwardness. If the matter escalates will I be able to handle it? Will they hold something against me because I said no? Thus, instead of saying no, we choose to avoid potential discomfort by simply agreeing to the request.

Fear of long term consequences: We think by saying “no” you’re causing an inconvenience to the other person. We fear saying “no” will affect the quality of our relationship. Will we be able to count on this person for a favor in the future, or will they harbor in their memory the fact that we said “no” to this particular request?

Just this one last time: We believe that by saying “yes”, it will be the “last time” and will make the problem go away. In reality, unless the issue is addressed, it keeps coming back.

Not knowing how to say “no”: It’s a skill that most people have not developed and hence feel overwhelmed. Saying “no” is surely a polite note of regret, but the energy and effort to say “no” gracefully is way greater than saying “yes”.

Recognizing and acknowledging these feelings is the first step to being able to say “no” effectively.

Here are four tools to help you be in control of your “No’s”:

Don’t respond immediately

One strategy is to delay your response. You don’t have to give an answer right away. Buy time by using the phrase:

“Let me get back to you”

When I was in elementary school, some of my classmate’s parents were affluent and would throw lavish birthday parties for their kids. Attending these parties meant buying a birthday gift. My parents didn’t have extra money for a gift.

There was the obvious fear of missing out, and I didn’t want my friends to dislike me. But, more importantly, I didn’t want any sympathy for my family’s financial situation.

Thankfully, my father saw my helplessness and taught me a wonderful trick that I still use today. He said, “Tell your friends you need to check with your parents. This approach gives you more time to think and come to a conclusion you’re comfortable with instead of being rushed to make a decision on the spot.”

By buying time, you will be able to look at the options with a mind that’s less clouded by emotions—when your amygdala is not in control, you’ll be more emboldened and comfortable in your decisions. It was a non confrontational way to defer the decision making process. This approach instantly gave me the psychological safety I was looking for.

The “let me check ….. ( fill in the blanks ) ….and get back to you” has been a convenient go-to for me.

Help people solve their own problems

You don’t have to solve every problem that comes your way. Often, the best way to help someone is to say “no”, particularly if you are not in a situation where you can help. Saying “no” is more about managing your own feelings, perceptions and emotions than it is about the other person. So what if people always ask you for things?

When you say “yes” to your own detriment, you’re hurting yourself 

One way to say no is to provide an alternative, for example, imagine a relative or friend asks to borrow your car. While saying yes is one option, could you suggest other solutions that accomplish the same goals? Perhaps you may help loan them money to rent a car, or suggest public transportation options, or maybe even offer to drive them instead.

By offering to brainstorm, you help them solve their own problems, and by suggesting alternatives, you demonstrate that you care, helping maintain positive interpersonal relationships whilst saying “no” to the immediate request.

Making excuses could complicate the situation

Sometimes, we communicate in ways that obfuscate the very meaning that we are trying to convey. We unintentionally complicate the simplest conversations until the people involved are left feeling confused or apprehensive about the “hidden” meaning behind the discussion.

One time during Thanksgiving I received an invitation from a close friend. I already had different plans that I wanted to choose over my friends invitation, but I didn’t know how to respond. I started cooking up excuses, I said something that suggested I wanted to get out of my previous engagement in order to accept my friends party: exactly the opposite of what I intended to do. After going back and forth a few times, it suddenly dawned on me – both of us were trying to get me out of the “other plan” by solving my fake problem. I had successfully managed to complicate something that was rather a simple thing in the first place.

To avoid such a scenario, we need to be crystal clear about what we want. If you want to say no and don’t know how, at the very least don’t say anything that would mean a “yes”. Don’t lose sight of your own needs. You can say no while upholding goodwill, treating people with empathy, and seeing them as a fellow human being.

No, not right now

Saying “no” in a professional setting is slightly different. Decisions are based on priorities, and priorities are dictated by timelines. There are two important things to consider in a professional setting:

• Reprioritize: Most companies have a Change Control Board (CCB). This board tries to maintain equilibrium on planned vs scope creep. If you don’t have anyone overseeing this process, be honest and share your workload. If you can only do 3 things in the course of a week but received 2 more requests, either suggest you will do them after you have finished your original 3 tasks or ask to rearrange the sequence such that you focus on the most important 3 tasks needed that week and the rest can follow.
• Avoid overcommitting: Be careful if saying “yes” will cause burnout, derail the existing roadmap or is just plain unnecessary at that moment. I am not referring to exceptions, but make sure exceptions don’t end up becoming the norm. In the above example if you say “yes” to all 5 tasks, you are most likely going to overwork to get them done. If you fail to finish them, you could risk being perceived as unreliable.

In a nutshell

“No” is an action-packed word, full of emotional drama and stressors. If you practice these approaches you will be better prepared when faced with unexpected requests for favors.

Practice saying “no” politely and gracefully. Solicit help from friends and family. Tell them you are interested in practicing saying “no”. Ask for feedback. You will be less likely to be caught off guard with a request that you feel pressured to answer promptly.

Saying “no” is a skill that is important and can be learnt. If you learn to say no you will increase your productivity, have better relationships and feel empowered and in control of your destiny.